Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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