I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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