Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
