everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
