I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
