My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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