Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
