I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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