Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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