"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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