HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
