I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
