I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Randomize
