I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think my vagina is haunted
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
