there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
