Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
