you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
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