You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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