did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
