dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
