Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
