Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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