he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
