My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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