is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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