Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
