you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
