my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
