Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
