I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
