woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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