i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
