I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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