"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
