my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
