dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
