Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
