Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
