Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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