Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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