just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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