I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
