bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
