Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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