So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
