i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
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