grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
