found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
