Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize