If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
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hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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