The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
