Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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