I'm lost and stupid without you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
