I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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