So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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